I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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