How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
