If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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