Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
