Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
