if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
