Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
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