somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He kissed a someone with a penis
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
