Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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