Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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