there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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