just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
