so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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