you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
