im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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