all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
