Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
