apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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