Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize