Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
