If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Let's paint friendship bongs
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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