so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
