i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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