shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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