My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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