Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
