i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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