No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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