Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
be right there i have to get my cape
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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