I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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