I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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