When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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