Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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