just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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