So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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