My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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