Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
