I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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