Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
