That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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