I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
