he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
