i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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