i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
