just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
