i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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