My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
