i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Alive.
So much puke
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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