i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
