I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
