Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
