I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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