why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
