just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize