ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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